Random Days on the Road
Saturday, October 22, 2005
An email break / RIP Beau
From an email I sent this morning to the ex-ceo's boyfriend's wife - subject about work originally, but turned into something else:
It was good to talk to your husband about his MRI. That's great news. Your hard work over the last 18 months to help him come out of a dark time.
Last night our dog (Beau/Beauski) passed away. Yikes, so simple, yet similar emotions. I knew it was happening over the week. I was with him when I dropped him off at the ex's house, barely breathing, and when he finally let go. It's an extraordinary miracle to be in the presence of death - the cut of the chain. To see him in pain the last hour was very tough and to see him in his last moments struggle and nothing to be able to do. Tough, yet better to know he is in no longer in pain or struggling.
You and I haven't talked an exceeding amount, but one of the things I admired (and do) is your standing with your husband the whole time - from when we talked in April and he was not at my house. One of the things that was very interesting to me in the chaos before my ex and I separated was when I got arrested for missing a court date. Your husband and I were in Vegas. My ex left early and your husband and I were there with another employee. I knew I had to go back - I couldn't leave before Friday, knowing that dealing with that was over my head. I begged my ex to come with me when I got home - she hesitated because she had a beauty appointment. My nanny drove myself and the kids up to the county seat (about 75 minute drive) and dropped me off at the jail while I got processed and bailed out. After we got back home, I was upset with the ex. Why didn't you go with me to the jail? I needed you. Her response was - it was your problem, not mine. I said, what if it was something with my heart or my body. Her comment was, that's different. Medical I'll be there for.
I bring this up because one of the interesting things is that the ex was last week on vacation, and knew this was all going on. She called yesterday morning at 730am to see how Beauski was doing. She was in the Atlanta airport on her way back home. I said - I don't think he has long. I said it's a crazy day - our daughter doesn't have school, Beau not doing good, I have a company meeting. When are you back? She said, well, I have an event in town that I can't get out of until 6pm. I said, really? and we hung up.
Well, I tried calling her about 10-15 minutes before he passed - right to VM. 5 minutes before - right to VM. And then 5 minutes after - ring, but to VM. Finally about 15 minutes after, she answered and said she would be there in 5 minutes - but really got there about 25 minutes later. My nanny was there instantly when I called her to say that if she was going to say good bye, then she had to come, and she rushed over and missed by 2 minutes. The ex's comment was "At least I remember him when he was feeling good". Then she thanked me for all I had done, and basically gave me the brushoff to go away while she disposed of him. She couldn't even carry him out to her car mentally. I did it (without a doubt) - the last carry to say goodbye. Part of that was ego because she hadn't seen the kids all week. But part of it I think was to punish me from seeing the kids anymore due to some differences we have been having over the week - and to get her ex-husband out so she could look like the caring mother.
I've been nursing Beau all week. Not alone, but the 24 hours before he passed away were very busy - waking up at all hours of the night to take him outside - carrying him because he could not walk. Leaving the company meeting early to come home, ostensabily work , but spending time with him and trying to care.
It's so funny that after this, she can say comments like that, and then to say that medical was so important to her that she didn't cut her vacation short. She didn't cut her event out. Yet for our son's surgery, a much smaller issue, she wanted to be around all the time, and asked for extra time whenever she could.
I'm sorry to write this all to you and dump it out. It's partially sadness on my side, partially upset, partially happy a bit that your family stayed together for all of the right reasons. You of all people know all of this - I don't want you to take anything from this other than to be happy and glad that your husband has really looked at the important things in his life and made choices that supported the family. I'm not upset that I'm divorced. It was tough at the time. You know the players - you know the situation, and even almost 2 years later, it's something that you have been able to change in your lives and make something very positive out of a tough situation.
I wish I could have done more for you and your husband. I feel like I have done the minimum I could for you. My heart has always gone out for you - I have felt responsible for the situation, and have done what I can, while dealing with where I have been.
Whew - this has been long and didn't mean to - I just meant to write back about the meeting. But this time - after hearing that your husband is doing well when facing what he had to so long ago - reminded me so much of that critical moment that I felt you of all would understand. Thanks for reading and getting this far.
---------End Note-----------------
I'm not going to ramble on about our dog too much. It is a loss - but Beau came with the ex into the marraige, and while we shared custody, last night, listening to the ex showed really how she felt on the matter. Also, really kicking me to the side while she dealt with creamation and all of the other things - I got to grieve by being there at the moment, but closure will not be mine - maybe it was just emotion from her, maybe it was her not seeing the kids all week after we had an ugly email fight. Doesn't matter.
So here's my epitaph for Beau.
In the beginning, you kept me in with your mama. In the middle, you were always there when I needed you and took lots of abuse from the kids. In the end, you passed away with your own dignity - trying to stand in the last hours knowing that it was close to the end. We will miss you and all of the lives that you affected, you'll never know - but we will remember you.
Rest In Peace, Beau. Keep jumping and barking after the squirrels that eat the pumpkins - they're in the next cloud over.
