Random Days on the Road
Sunday, March 28, 2004
It's Over
I'm not even going to try and make sense in this - just whatever comes out.
Finally, she and I sat down and talked. Seriously. For the first time since this all happened. I asked her what was holding her back. She was afraid of how she would look, and she didn't want to hurt me nor for me to hate her. I said that they will happen as they will, but the only reason to even delay is if there is even a chance. She said no chance in her mind.
It's Over. She wants to apologize, but no amends can be made. Now we fight the tough fight. What schools? Where does she want to move? Can I keep the kids? How tough will this really get?
I'm still going to do the things that I have been. I wish for her the best. I'm left sad and in shock. I guess I had been holding on to the possibility that maybe there was something left. I'm going to go through some rough stuff on this for sure. Thank goodness I will not be in the house tomorrow night....
Since I don't remember, (and probably never will directly), the 5 stages of grief are:
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Despair
Acceptance
(from http://www.coping.org/loss/stages.htm)
and they can occur in any order at any time. I have definitely been in all of them. But I have been running through all this for so long that it is what it is. I'm ready for acceptance (NOW), but it is not to be. I think right now (since it's so close), I'm in despair - it will take some time. I have to fight for what I think is important, but it is tough for sure.
All I want is for everyone to be OK - the kids, the company, et al. What about the tarot card readings? I'm not ready for love again, yet.....Man,
Something's Gotta Give - I'm ready to be Jack Nicholson and not care anymore. Dang, the single scene, can I handle it?
For sure, the NLP/NMT stuff I have been doing is helping at least keep my cool. At least the sex drive isn't running my life anymore. I do worry that she really thinks that the b-friend will be available to her.
Apparently I have been so abusive to her - It's been going on for so long.....I don't know....Something was missing, but I never knew what.
Just time to make movies, I guess.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
The Day of Reckoning
There has been so much going on - I know I'm going to use this forum to get out how I am feeling. There's no one else to talk to.
Thursday - went to lunch with the CEO - I told her - since she announced she wanted a separation a week ago, all I want is a straight answer. What are you doing with the "boyfriend"? She sat there for 15 minutes, started crying and said nothing. Apparently she went to him after lunch, told him that I would feel better if I knew the truth. She let him tell me face-to-face instead of her.
The "boyfriend" asked me to dinner. I just said " What's up with you and the CEO?" He admitted a "physical relationship" that ended about thirty days earlier. They "mutually" decided to end the physical part. He asked her not to say anything to me due to his fear of me calling up his wife. He said it was one of the hardest things he had to do. So the boyfriend (no quotes anymore - he confirmed it) said "Are you going to pop me one in the ass?" I said "No - your issue is not with me. Your issue is with you, your God, and your wife."
She should have told me - She should have told me. The fact that her loyalties are with him and not with the man that she promised to "love, honor, cherish, blah blah blah" just killed me then and still does.
Friday - she calls me at 5 am. "I have been having an affair with the boyfriend. But you shouldn't say bad things about me." Too bad.
I'm torn and wounded. Do I love her? Is she worth it?
